"When do you think you guys are going to have another kid? Isn't Kyler already 3 now?"
"Isn't it about time for Kyler to be getting little brother or sister? When do you think you'll have another?"
"Do you guys want any more kids?"
I get asked these questions (and variations) on average 2-3 times a week. Some people would call these types of questions "ridiculous" to quote one of my friends, but I actually don't mind people asking me. I feel like they are very normal questions to have, and besides, I ask my friends these questions too! Instead of responding with a joke like I normally do, today I've decided to be more open about it on my blog. I'm about to get deep. Get ready.
Because this topic has been on my mind for quite some time now (and I have a lot to say about it) I have decided to add a new page to my blog titled "A Journey". Meaning, a journey towards expanding our family. I want this blog to reflect my life- not only the good things and celebrations, but the trials too, and how I've overcome them. This new page is composed of
many parts, and this particular part (post) has been sitting in my "drafts" for over a year. This journey isn't an easy one, and I would love for my friends and family (and my blog readers) to understand what we have been going through and to support us. No words can describe how devastating it is to lose a baby during pregnancy, but writing all of this down helps me clear my mind.
While this topic is somewhat personal, I feel that it is one that isn't talked about enough. One in five pregnancies end in a miscarriage, and it is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. {but if this topic
does make you uncomfortable, you should probably skip this post. I promise I won't be offended.}
For those of you that are still reading, let's get started.... back to that day:
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October 28, 2012
Miscarriage. It's always been a word that I hated the sound of....ever since I heard the word for the first time... let alone experienced it.
I decided to title this post "A Story Untold"...because until now (insert whatever date today is for you, because I have no idea when I will publish this post to the blog) I haven't shared this experience with very many. For me, today is October 28, 2012.
These past two weeks have been the most traumatic weeks of my life, and the reason I'm going to wait so long to actually publish this post is because I need time to heal both emotionally and physically. In August of this year (2012) I got a positive pregnancy test! Jared and I were ecstatic. Kyler was going to be a big brother! Our children were going to be 2.5 years apart, which we felt was perfect.
A few weeks later, I had a friend that announced her pregnancy publicly on Facebook the moment she got the positive mark on the stick. I was a little shocked that she would announce something like that so early, after all, what if she miscarried? I was further along than her, and I definitely planned on waiting until that "past the first trimester danger zone." The same friend said in a group setting a few days later (not knowing that I was pregnant or listening to her say this) something along the lines of "I think it is so sad that women wait to share the news of a pregnancy because of a fear of miscarriage. We need the support from our friends and family during times of celebration, AND during times of mourning." I agreed with her to an extent, but personally I felt like it would be a lot easier to heal emotionally (if I ever did have a miscarriage) if I could avoid awkward conversations by having to tell people what happened. So I kept my secret safe and only told family members (and 3 or 4 other friends), and kindly asked them to keep it private within the family until we were ready. We had our first doctors appointment at 9 weeks in September. Everything looked great, and we were given the due date of April 28, 2013!
The first twelve weeks came and went. Hurray! We had made it through the first trimester!! I thought about and planned how we would announce our pregnancy to the rest of the world. We had our announcement pictures taken at the beach under the pier at sunset. It was almost Halloween, so Jared, Kyler, and I each had a pumpkin in front of us with our names written on them in black sharpie. We also had an additional little pumpkin with a question mark written on it (symbolizing baby #2!) We were adding another little pumpkin to our family!
We were so excited. A few days after these pictures were taken, we were going to have our first 2nd trimester ultrasound done, so we decided to wait- just for the heck of it- until after that doctors appointment before announcing our pregnancy to the rest of the world.
When we walked into the doctor's office, we met our ultrasound technician- a nice lady with a sweet soft voice and heavy southern accent. She put the warm gel on my belly, and I looked up at the screen. She paused for a moment, and my mouth went dry. I knew something wasn't right. I stared up at the screen at my baby's perfect body, two little arms and two little legs. Motionless. She asked me how far along I was. I replied 12.5 weeks. She said, "I'm sorry but you see here...this baby is just not measuring the size it is supposed to be, it is smaller." I continued to stare at my baby on the ultrasound screen, not moving.
I
hoped that we had just miscalculated how far along I should be or that maybe there was a slight genetic disorder that we could deal with- but I knew deep down that the baby was gone, before she even said it. The ultrasound technician continued to fumble with the machine trying everything she could to get a movement, and kept muttering "I'm so sorry."
Meanwhile, my mind instantly flashed back to three weeks prior- we sang a hymn at church called "Come Unto Jesus". During that song, I felt the spirit so strong, and felt a connection with our baby. My eyes filled with tears that day, and I decided that I would sing this song to our baby as a lullaby before bed every night. As my mind flashed back to that memory, I wondered if that was exact moment that the baby's heart had stopped beating.
Then she put the fetal stethoscope on my belly and said "You see? We should be able to hear a heart beat."
Nothing.
I swear that was the loudest silence I ever heard in my life. She continued to tell me how sorry she was and how "I was the third person this morning she had to deliver this sad news to" and all I could do was nod my head and attempt to hold back my tears, frantically trying to control my emotions. Jared was sitting across the room holding our almost 2 year old. I remember the exact moment his facial expression changed...he understood. A millisecond later he was by my side holding my hand. The ultrasound technician quickly finished her measurements with the ultrasound and said "I'll go get your doctor sweetie, I'm so sorry."
We talked with my doctor. I had absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage ( no cramping or bleeding, no loss of pregnancy symptoms). In fact, I still
felt very pregnant and still had
all of my pregnancy symptoms. My body hadn't realized that the baby had stopped developing and continued to carry the pregnancy. I had never heard of this happening before, but apparently it can sometimes. It is called a silent or missed miscarriage. Because my body was showing no symptoms of naturally miscarrying on its' own (about a month after it should have), we decided to have a D and E procedure (surgery) done at the hospital in a few days. The doctor told me this way my body could heal more quickly, and I wouldn't have to go through the pain of having a miscarriage. I held all of my emotions in while talking with the doctor.
Once we made it to our car in the parking garage, Jared and I held each other and quietly cried together. Then, as I was driving home, it really hit me- the hysterical cry where your whole body is shaking and the only way to breath is by gasping for air. Then, a cry came from me that I had never heard before- a mourning cry. A pain so deep that I had never felt before. I know many women who have had miscarriages, and I never understood why it was so difficult. I get it now. It's horrible. This baby was a part of me. I was literally connected to it for just over 3 months. I was attached to the baby inside of me... it was going to become our second child in April. I don't know how I made it home with my blurred vision from the tears and my emotional state of mind, but I did. When I got home, I immediately re-read the lyrics to the song "Come Unto Jesus" and watched
this video that goes along with it over and over again... The song really helped me feel close to Christ during that difficult day in my life.
A few days later, the doctor's office sent me to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. I was supposed to take the medication the night before my surgery, and it was supposed to help the procedure go more smoothly. Apparently the prescription was a bit too strong for me, and I started to go into labor prematurely. Thankfully my parents were able to take care of Kyler for us during this time. The Labor was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life. We barely made it to the hospital in time for the doctor to complete the process.
I said a prayer for comfort while I was being prepped for the surgery, and I really did feel that comfort when I woke up. I felt relieved that it was over, and at peace with what had happened. I kept an eternal perspective of things and my relationship with Christ became stronger than ever before. When I prayed, I could literally feel that burden being lifted from me. I have never felt the power of prayer so strongly in my life. Christ's Atonement is a miracle. It is real. I've felt it.
I truly feel that my tiny, precious, and perfect little baby really did "Come Unto Jesus" and is waiting for Jared and I to raise him/her in the millennium- because of the covenants that we have made in
the holy temple that binds us and our children together for time in this life and all eternity under the covenant. I don't know what I would do without the knowledge I have of my Savior, and of His gospel here on the earth today, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Life isn't perfect, and I'm going to have trials, but I realize that I have a choice in how I react to them. I choose to become a better person, and to draw closer to my Savior for comfort. Because of this, my heart is full of happiness and truth. Jesus is the Christ, the son of God, my Redeemer, and the rock of my salvation. I'm not perfect, but I know that through Christ and his Atonement, I can become perfect, and return to live with Him and my family some day.
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There you have it- the first part of our journey. I will be posting a new part once every few weeks. If you want to show your support and follow along on this journey, click the button on the upper right hand side of my blog that says "join this site" you can do so publicly or anonymously. Thanks in advance for all of your love and support.
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